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:: chin up ::

October 22, 2010

Maybe it’s the colder weather.  Or the leaves falling from the trees.  Perhaps it’s the grey that just hangs in the air, but whatever it is it’s got me.

Flailing.

Defeated.

Down.

The knowledge of the impending winter, the chill in the air, sleepless nights with a teething baby (which have turned into sleepless days too as she’s refusing to nap) are all compounding the most dismal aspect of my week: Ava has gone back to the tantrumy, whiny, defiant, school-hating, aggressive girl that she was a few months ago.

*sigh*

Two steps forward and ten steps back, it feels like.  When I can finally get her to a place where she’s happy, cheerful, willing to learn, wanting to learn, excited to show me what she can do, acting responsibly, caring for her brother (rather than hurting him every time my back is turned) and somewhat independent, there always seems to be that wrench in my plans.  ‘Don’t get too excited, Jess.  This is the way things are.  I’m glad you enjoyed your vacation from it for a couple of months, but now it’s back to standard programming.’

Okay, I admit it.  I’m having a pity party.  Aren’t I allowed to?  This whole journey is hard. It’s hard to watch your kid be the one left out, it’s hard to be the parent left out because your kid is different, it’s hard to have to explain to strangers in Wal Mart why your child is flapping their fingers in front of their face, it’s harder to overhear people in the community gossip about your child when you’re two feet away from them, it’s hard to decide that whatever it is, it is and you just have to accept things the way they are.  It sucks.

To be fair, it’s not that Ava is intentionally left out of things most of the time.  It’s just that she’s not keeping up in maturity and skill with the other kids.  She is not able to do the same skills (riding a bike, skating, etc) that the other kids can do.  By process of elimination of skill, she’s eliminated.  And it’s not that I’m intentionally left out of things either. It’s just that my common ground with other mothers is slipping.  Ava’s diagnosis, appointments and therapies are all-consuming.  I don’t have a whole lot else to talk about, which makes me boring. 😉

Chin up, right? Tomorrow is a new day.  We’ll figure out what the cause of this setback was and re-route Ava back to a cheery, happy-go-lucky girl.  Because that’s what I do, figure it out and fix it.  Or I try to, anyway.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 23, 2010 1:04 am

    Jess, I don’t think that talking about Ava stuff is boring! I’m sitting there thinking I’m boring with all my new craft this and new craft that conversation… I think we all think that way sometimes.
    Good luck finding out what set her back this time! I hope you can fix it quickly.
    Chin up/ Cowboy up, however you want to say it, If life wasn’t hard, It would be boring!

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